The Onion News Network has a story that might put today's somewhat contradictory financial news (the reappointment of Ben Bernanke as Fed chairman and the announcement of a projected 2-trillion dollar increase to the 10-year deficit) into perspective: President Obama is bipolar and has entered his depressive phase.

"After a three-year period of extreme productivity and positivity, (the president) has now entered a deep depression," said a White House spokesman.

When asked a press conference about the recent deficit projections, a despondent Obama reportedly gripped his forehead and said, "Why would you ask that?"


White House Reveals Obama Is Bipolar, Has Entered Depressive Phase

In the midst of the health care overhaul debate, the Onion News Network unearthed a survey of 2,000 youngsters between 3 and 8, and 68 percent answered "NOOO!" when asked if they'd like to go to the doctor more. They were also strongly opposed to vaccinations.

The Onion News Network reporters that after a visit to a Denny's restaurant in northern Virginia, Pres. Obama has decided to drastically scale back his vision for the country. After spending 45 minutes shaking hands with sickly, obese customers wearing sweatpants, the president said he needs "to completely reconsider what our nation is capable of achieving." To be honest, we here at Politics (Un)Seriously are a bit insulted by the president's statement. We would protest this gross attack on Denny's and its Denny-zens (how 'bout THAT pun, Mr. President?), but frankly all that getting up and walking around and using the mouth for stuff other than eating just sounds like too much effort.


Obama Drastically Scales Back Goals For America After Visiting Denny's

Not even Stephen Colbert can lift U.S. soldiers' spirits like Liberty, the army's happy-go-lucky war mascot. He will be missed.


Pentagon Reports Army Mascot 'Liberty' Killed in Iraq

The Onion imagines a scenario where an unruly, spoiled brat throws a tantrum during a Congressional hearing. And no, we're not talking about the auto executives.


Congressman's Son Won't Shut The Hell Up During Hearing

If one were compiling a list of the world's most powerful jobs, Secretary General of the United Nations might fall somewhere between small-town mayor and little league coach. Which is why this Onion News Network report of a coup inside the UN is so hysterical...


Ambassador Stages Coup At UN, Issues Long List of Non-Binding Resolutions

The Onion News Network reports that outsourcing has hit a new level, with individual employees now shipping their work overseas. Accountant Donald Felton describes how he sends his spreadsheets to a man in India, who in turn has become so prosperous that he now sends Felton's work to even poorer people in Indonesia and Afghanistan. Now THAT's globalization. (This post written by an outsourced Burmese comedy blogger).


More American Workers Outsourcing Own Jobs Overseas

In a surprise move, the US Treasury Department has issued an immediate recall of all US currency. Treasury spokesman Ronald Schuler announced that officials will be sending Americans bags with $ signs on them to stuff the money into, and warns that all US bills have been coated with a secret dye that will "become extremely deadly Friday at exactly 12 noon."


Treasury Department Issues Emergency Recall Of All US Dollars

Rep. Gary Nelson, R-CT (5) introduces the Gary Nelson Personal Pay Raise Act. "I think we can do better for me. We HAVE to do better for me," says an emotional Peters. The powerful Gary Nelson Ways and Means Committee, chaired by Rep. Nelson is expected to take up consideration of the bill early next week.


Rep. Gary Nelson (R-CT) Introduces The Gary Nelson Personal Pay Raise Bill

As part of his European tour beginning Tuesday, President Obama will spend a day in the Czech Republic capital city of Prague. Or at least he hopes it will only be a day. According to the Onion News Network, Prague's Franz Kafka International Airport is infamous for "long delays and an overall oppressive and impersonal atmosphere."


Prague's Franz Kafka International Named World's Most Alienating Airport